Before And After.

S.U.B.L.I.M.E. times infinity to the moon and back.

Squalor No More! (Until Next Week!)

Her house is actually cleaner.

Okay, the baby can come any time now.

Well, actually, give me about an hour, Baby Monkey- for you see, our home is being cleaned. And- this is the kicker- by people who know what they're doing.

They are vacuuming the couch.They are scrubbing and disinfecting the tubs as opposed to just, like, vaguely wiping/spraying them down with an after-shower spray. [P.J.: You only wipe them down? Keely: Yes. I didn't want you to have to find out this way.] Also, Big Household Tip...that after-shower spray only works if one actually deeply cleans said shower more than once a season. It's not a magic mist. "No Scrub" means "You Don't Need To Scrub...This Week. But Maybe Give Next Week A Go."

Regardless, this is not that week.

I think I particularly embrace and revel in having my home cleaned because- way back at the beginning of my nanny gigs- I also cleaned homes. It was not a pretty time in my life (for my wardrobe, self-esteem, or those residing with me and my frequent bouts of sobbing). 'Cause guess what? People are gross. Horrific, really. Even relatively clean people have bathroom and kitchen habits that make one question the future of humanity.

That said- it's my grossness that is being dealt with this week!

"Oh, good for you," I hear over the interwebz. "Now you can be the bougie elite having someone else steam the drapes."

Firstly, don't say "drapes." It's gauche. Secondly- ohnonononononononono. We can most certainly not afford to have someone clean our house. Hah, not in the LEAST! (Need a visual? P.J. is currently having a coronary at work, man-crying into his computer screen and attempting to budget things like- oh- food, gas, and electricity.) But three times a year, I love to have this amazing woman and her team of efficient (and oddly silent) Polish gals make short work of my home in an hour. For the same price as what I used to pay (in a former life, roughly two years back) for a pair of Converse and some consignment shop Kenneth Cole black slingbacks. For example. (Sigh.)

However- worth it. Even though I'm typing this while wearing Target kicks from The Village Discount. (That's two uncomfortable visuals for you today, now isn't it?)

It's especially worth it these days. When I can no longer bend. This is embarrassingly true. Peej has been attempting to put me on something that I call Forced And Mean Confinement and that he terms Go Lay Down, Already, You're Really Starting To Tick Me Off.

Just last night, in fact, immediately after I disregarded GLDA,YRSTTMO, I stood up from bed where I had been filing/reading/stenciling birthday cards (Guess which one isn't true? Trick question- they're ALL true!) and found myself short of breath. Which kind of proved his point. But also proved mine that he's turning me into an invalid who needs to be wheeled down to the seaside in a plaid blanket.

The stencils are lovely, however.

Obviously.

Someone Bring Me A Dustmop. Or A Pillow.

Putting on brass knuckles.

I should not be left to my own devices.

This includes all of the times where Nora is napping, I am caught up on household dirtiness, writing deadlines are breezed through, and P.J. is off doing something P.J.-like (i.e., watching Mad Men, showering, or building a door frame).

What, you ask? There are times when all of these forces align and you find yourself with free pockets of the day, gaps of the afternoon and/or early evening where you should go rest/shower and instead you fill in the blanks with the busywork of the insane?

Yep.

For I am in that final stretch of pregnancy. Even though I'm crazily floppy-headed exhausted, I get these bizarre and fleeting bursts of energy...and they're devious. They whisper things to me like- Launder The Bassinet Bedding. Again.

Do The Laundry Even Though There Are Only Four Pairs Of Socks And Some Pajama Pants In The Hamper.

Stack The Tupperware- Even Though It'll Make No Difference By Tomorrow Evening, As You Are The Only One Who Even Realizes Tupperware Can (And Should) Be Stacked.

Revise Your Will And Leave Heartfelt Notes For Your Husband/Daughter/Unborn Child. (Oh, that's right. It just got real.)

Nowhere on these mental lists o' crazy is the ever-popular Go To Bed Early or Read A Chapter Of That Dashiell Hammett Collection You've Been Digging. Because those would be nice, relaxing things for me, the orca of a pregnant woman. No no, the tasks that will be completed are for the people who will have to show up when I go into labor at 3am. Or passersby peeking through the window and judging the state of affairs. Perhaps the panel of judges who will apparently be white-gloving my mantel. WHICH I DO NOT YET HAVE. (Peej- this weekend? Build us a mantel. Put it somewhere the judges will see it.)

And I do realize- in a very small part of my rational being- that alllll of this stuff is aversion to the mind-numbing fear I have that, even though I successfully did all this before and am well on my way to raising an actual member of society, I shall fail to do so this time around. Or fail to do it as well. I am not sure which would be worse.

There's also a good chance that I am feeling feelings about each and every twinge, pop, twist, kick, and parry currently going on from the region beginning mid-thigh and ending juuust below my clavicle. As I have never been in labor (true) and have no such plans to do so any time in the near future (double true), each instance that indicates any sort of progress towards any sort of active birth sends me running for the Swiffer.

And before anyone feels the need to triple reassure me that I am fine, the baby will be fine, and the house will be fine...I really do know this. I do. That's what makes my insanity all the more funny. Cognizance.

And on THAT note, anyone wanna place your bets on this kid? I'm going to start it off with 20lbs flat, with a length of at least 37 inches- per octopus leg. As we're fairly certain that this child will be delivered on the morning of October 4th, you really don't have to feel compelled to guess a date. And I can't promise anything to the winner except for perhaps AN AWESOME SHOUT-OUT and/or a pack of Mickey Mouse stickers.

If Nora's cool with sharing.

On second thought, she might suggest that the warm, contented glow of victory should be enough for you.

She really digs her stickers.

Cheddar Bunnies For Nora.

...Kinda like Blueberries For Sal.

...Only with less bears.

Ten Years Later.

I'm not much of a Bandwagon-Jumper...nor am I inclined to be a Dolores Downer (my Mom's name is Deb- and she's rather peppy), but I'd be extremely remiss in not acknowledging the 10th anniversary of September 11th.

It seems like everywhere I turned yesterday, there were flag wavers, remembrances of the day, and country lyrics galore.

Well, I have no country lyrics for you (except, randomly, I do have Folsom Prison Blues stuck in my head), and the only flag I have is miniature, left over from the Fourth, and has recently been confiscated from my toddler and her attempts to impale the cat.

I guess that leaves us with my tale of Where Were You. Even though, frankly, it's completely unimportant in the grand scheme of events and wholly unrelated to anything that was going on in New York, Pennsylvania, or Washington, D.C.

I was 21 and a senior at Hampshire College, on a tiny apple orchard in the middle of Amherst, MA. I was a teaching assistant for a theatre class- it took place at 10:30am or some other ridiculously late in the morning hour (but for which I remember lamenting my "early" bedtime of midnight the evening prior). My mother called and woke me that morning- but honestly, all I recall was the panic in her voice over a plane crash and her pleading with me to stay safe. (And in the bubble of The Valley, it was really, really hard to feel anything but.) So, honestly, I didn't give it as much attention as I ought to have. Until I turned on the common area TV and saw the second plane hit.

And it was so weird- SO weird- that I simply went about the rest of my morning prep. I was extremely shocked and worried, of course, but in the protective cocoon of my life up until that moment, I had no basis for the type of horror I was witnessing.

I walked to class. All around me people were moving like zombies and waiting for someone to tell them that Things Were Okay.

We sat in class for about ten minutes- and I swear to God, some of the students were looking to me for direction. (Really? I barely know the syllabus I helped to create. I'm hardly a source of authority for an American crisis.) Our professor eventually dismissed us all- and it turns out that all of the day's classes had been cancelled as well- so I went back to Mod 96. (Aside to non-Hampshirites; that's what on-campus apartments were called. Ours had a balcony, a God Door, a catwalk and...other details completely irrelevant to the story.)

My roommates and I remained glued to our TV, unsure as to what to do...but feeling though it was our job to keep watching. Some of my best friends hailed from NYC, and their panic was mine as they were unable to reach their parents for hours. Someone brought out a bottle of whiskey and- though I much prefer vodka with a mixer of some sort- I'll admit that I did a shot or two.

The rest of the day (and that week) was a blur. And not due entirely to the whiskey. We all felt a mix of sadness and unease that eventually made way to a sense of national pride (extremely rare at our age/demographic/enrollment at a hipster college where dissatisfaction and too-cool-for-schoolitude was de rigeur). 

(And that pride inevitably led to bafflement and outrage, but that's another story, too.)

But like I said, my story- one of safe, secure, witnessing- has virtually no impact on the day's events.

Except that it ties me into the fabric of a society that remembers.

These Are My Current Events, Darnit.

THIS is what "30s With Kids" looks like.
Hoodies and kitchen floors.
Nary a sensible handbag.

Okay, now I'm not one to dwell [overmuch, publicly] on things, but...

Seriously. The ending of the seventh Harry Potter movie (Part 2, if you will, of The Deathly Hallows). And I swear that this is not a spoiler. Not unless you like wardrobe choice to be a tightly held secret. (Like a royal wedding!)

Yeah, yeah, Voldemort (we can say his name now, yes?) and Snape and Harry Potter and yesyesyes, all of that.

But that last scene on the train platform? Nineteen years have passed. The "kids" are sending their own kids off to Hogwarts. They are a mere five years older than I am at the very time of this posting.

So why are they so frumpy and old-looking?

It looks like they're playing dress-up. Ginny Weasley has a sensible bob and the mommiest purse I've ever seen in my life. Ron has a paunch and a wide forehead. Harry has prosthetic wrinkles (wrinkles!!) and a blazer. HERMIONE HAS HER HAIR IN A FRENCH TWIST.

Seriously. I understand that they needed some props to age these youngsters, but really? P.J. and I discussed what we'd be wearing if we drove to the train station to see our kids off to boarding school; jeans and hoodies. Same as we wear every day. And sure, the Harry Potter kids have been wearing that very outfit since movie One. So it wouldn't really have the aging effect the studio was looking for, I get that.

But there is an awfully big difference between looking 36 and looking 76. (There is, isn't there? Tell me there is. Would I look that old on a train platform? Tell me my butt wouldn't look that wide as I embraced by 11 year-old. TELL ME.)

I saw this movie exactly a week ago. And I am haunted- HAUNTED- by this scene. Basically what the film industry is telling me is that- barring turning yourself into some sort of "real" housewife or glamorously and vigorously anti-aging yourself into a Botoxed wonder- the rest of us jerks look like this in their mind's eye.

At 36.

I am going Sexy Purse shopping.

City Kid Takes The Train.

Gettin' Back To Nature- And Potentially The ER.

Happy Labor Day!

Communing.

Why are you reading this today? Go! Go outside! Good God, man, it's almost winter! (However, if you're not reading this until Tuesday or later, I'm quite hurt- wounded, really- at your disloyalty.)

There, now. I think I've sufficiently alienated everyone. Onward!

The reason that I'm able to post today is because of my daughter's proclivity towards 4am Beanie Bear tea parties in her crib. Thusly, she faceplanted at an ungodly early 10am for her nap, freeing me up to do all sorts of things like blog, sweep the stairs, and French braid my hair. (But aren't you exhausted, Keely, you ask? Nope! But Peej is! As I've stated before, my Mama Bear-like aptitude for hearing when my child is awake has not yet been fully realized. I don't hear her. P.J., however, has not slept through the night since grade school and is aware of block parties beginning across town. He's ZONKED tired.)

Her early nap will actually serve us well, as Peej scored seven buck tickets to the Cubs game for this afternoon. Nora's never been (and has a superbly cute hand-me-down Cubs onesie!), and the last time I went...was when I was nine months pregnant with Nora. (Sports!) We're only a few miles from Wrigley Field, and since the air is feeling all crisp and autumnal, it's gonna be a much better time than if we had gone during the past few weeks. (I think the combo of humidity, discomfort and athletics would have forced me to have a tantrum, kill a man, and eat all of the jumbo hotdogs in the surrounding area. The last still may occur. There's this one stand that sells ridiculously loaded footlongs that you crave in your sleep. For example.)

Other highlights from this long weekend included brunch with Peej's cousin and her husband, which facilitated a full-on clean of the house (which allowed me to ease up on chores/ease up on demanding that P.J. do chores the rest of the time...which everyone likes). There was a three hour family nap. A slow hike through the forest preserve up at Peterson Park (during which time my child found the only wood chip/dirt pile incline in all of the 46 acres and proclaimed "slide!") and had a picnic. A major Craigslist posting for all of the free/crazy reduced items which we just need to get out of the downstairs/closets/garage, and which- strangely- is yielding positive results and non-crazy people actually taking our things. And, nestily enough, we're blazing through the Important Things checklist for The Monkey and his/her room. Plus, we're mini-seriesing through Mary Poppins before Nora's bedtime each night- and she could NOT love it more. Spoonful of Sugar, jumping into chalk art, waiter penguins, sliding down banisters, girls named Jane, it's all like it was tailor made for our kid. Sure, I'm getting a little weary of singing each song eleven times in a row, but the vigorous applause is pretty sweet.

Bleeding.

It's almost enough to make up for the nightmare-inducing guilt I feel over watching my daughter trip into the coffee table and bite clear through her lip. Especially since she was running towards me. With a stack of books in her arms. And a cheerful grin. Happily announcing that she and Mommy were gonna read. And I was a split second too late to catch her. And the blood- oh God, the blood.

She cried for seven seconds. I cried for half an hour. She assured me that she was "fine," especially once the bleeding let up and she enjoyed a lemon Italian ice for the better part of an hour. (I think she'd willingly do it again for another Italian ice.) And later we rocked on the hammock and she fed herself fistfuls of mint and raspberries from the garden. So I know she's okay.

She has been accused of being too pretty- a fat lip will give her some street cred. And it's good for her to have some stuff to tell her future therapist.

You're welcome, Nora.

He'll Be The Prettiest Of Them All!

Why do you need another?

Before we continue on to The Pressing Issues, I'd like to acknowledge that I'm just as sick of the pregnancy talk as you are. Maybe even moreso, since I've got the pregnancy thought and the pregnancy insomnia. What I wouldn't give for a good anecdote from the club. (It doesn't MATTER which club- so long as there's a decent bar special and a questionable DJ.)

That said, as I am 33 days away from having another human being in my care, I have no such tales. (So maybe be a pal and tell me yours?)

Peej and I embarked on a very sleepy Date Night Month- which sorely lacks the Awesome of the last pregnancy's final countdown- and have tried to do such stellar activities as Have Dinner Together and Be In The Same Room At Night.

Last night, after giving NJ an early supper, bath, and supra-snuggly bedtime routine, I began preparations for a Grownup Dinner; steamed crab legs, sweet corn, and this loaf of multigrained awesomeness from Costco. (I do not bake, this cannot be said enough.) This plan was sidelined (slightly) by the arrival of The Monkey's crib and mattress- which my parents had generously ordered on Sunday night. (Have you EVER heard of anything getting delivered that quickly? Except by, like, a guy on a sweaty horse?) We were going to leave it until later on to assemble, except we both knew two things to be extremely true:

-P.J. cannot leave a puzzle/project/something with many pieces alone.

-And he had a very real fear that I'd attempt it without him today. (Guilty.)

So now we have a sweet crib with an extraordinarily decorated Enchanted Princess pink mattress (my Mom said it was a great mattress and we can always cover it up- which is true- but I'm fairly certain we've just guaranteed the birth of my son). And the 10pm dinner was terrific, made all the more romantic by the propping up of each others' heads.

All that we have left to do now is...panic over inconsequential scenarios. (Okay, maybe that's just me.)

Like how Nora is going to be SO SAD when we're in the hospital. Especially if I die in childbirth. Keeping in mind that- despite the Pony Express-like delivery of last night's furniture- we do not live in the Wild West (though I could use a little Young Guns action right about now) and there is a fairly good chance that I will survive the birthing of this kid. But the sadness over the hospital stay? That just crushes my face in.

Or how it's imperative that I finish birthday plans for Nora's second birthday- ON OCTOBER 29th. Because if I do not, I certainly cannot have a child on October 4th. Especially when one is planning a party as high maintenance as two hours at the playlot park with cupcakes.

I will attempt to put such Very Real Things aside for the evening- and the second installment of Date Night Month: Reloaded. For we are seeing the final Harry Potter in the theater tonight! It will be great. It will (thanks to the generosity and fabulousness of our our newly instated Babysitting Swap with Angie and Tim) be FREE.

And it will be, due to the very good chance of one or both of us snoring smack dab in the middle of the theater, more than a little embarrassing.

But I hear there's popcorn.

Emily From The Block.

(It's always fun to have a pal really close by. Like, across Kedzie.)

What A Guy.

Home sweet miniature home.

And Now...

A Love Letter To My Husband To Thank Him For His Endless Works O' Awesome (A.K.A A Very Public Plea To NOT Leave His Increasingly Insane Wife)-

Dear P.J.:

You are terrific. Really. No, wait, lift your head back up out of your coffee mug/desk/computer screen- this'll be worth it.

You are so incredibly tolerant and so incredibly choosy with your words. Specifically the cuss ones when you think Nora/our unborn child will hear them and be forever negatively affected. I especially admire this when things don't go according to plan/the door frame cracks/THE SCREWS ARE SOMEHOW ALL WRONG.

Here is what you accomplished this weekend for me/us/my neuroses/the children/the upcoming cold months known as The Rest Of The Year In Chicago:

-Doors on closets and remaining bedrooms that did not possess them. This endeavor required multiple backyard sawhorse projects which you pulled off in a timely manner...despite the fact that your daughter has a near-crippling fear of the sound of a saw in use. And can only be consoled in such moments of terror by you, her Dad. This slowed you down only slightly.

-The moving and painting of three laughably heavy pieces of the furniture in the baby's room. This was because I got a bee (hormone) in my bonnet (face/tears) about the slapdash nature of this new kid's possessions. Forget the fact that mismatched and chipped furniture was good enough for Nora- I was not having it this time around. And now they look great. Hope that hernia heals soon.

-That break you took to read at Mass, do a Costco run, and put both Nora and I down for simultaneous naps. (I'd be embarrassed to admit that I still need someone to put me down for a nap...except for the fact that it was the best nap ever. And nothing beats being tucked in to the words of "I'll take care of everything." Not a thing in the world beats it.)

-Removing the ceiling fan blades, helping me soak them in the bathtub, you scraping decades of grease from the undersides (I'm pretty sure our kitchen used to moonlight as an Arby's), and then reattaching them to the fans at midnight- despite the knowledge that most fans are assembled safely on the ground and not teetering in midair.

-Making sure that you and I sat on the couch- together- to watch The Soup and a goodly bit of House Hunters International before falling asleep. DATE NIGHTS ARE IMPORTANT, DARNIT. (I had been ready to tuck in with a bottle of seltzer and the newest Professor Layton game on the DS, but no sir. Not when romance is alive and well.)

-Drilling that hole to run those cables, saving us crazy ADT rewiring fees and allowing the closet door to close, no longer impeded by the bundle of wires acting as a doorstop. (It's almost like a real house, now! Also, who's been authorizing us to just have bundles of wires acting as doorstops?)

-Taking a "break" to supersonically speed-clean the house when you received the intel that your out-of-town uncle was not only stopping over for a surprise visit...but was, in fact, parking the car up by the neighborhood bar as we spoke.

-Dishes, dishes, dishes. Also, the recycling.

-Taking a break to drive to a friend's house, disassemble a playhouse in their backyard, strap it in, out, around and through our car, drive it back to our place, reassemble the awfully heavy and realistic house...and then spend a copious amount of time in said structure with your toddler. And lots of chalk.

None of these things include the little activities you do daily, like the cat litter (which I haven't done in years, despite not being pregnant for "years"), Nora's nightly routines, or making sure that I nevereverever run out of almond milk.

You are swell. Let's not abandon our wives five mere weeks before she has yet another of your clone-like offspring, okay? But I understand if you need some downtime.

I hear there's a super sweet little house in the backyard these days. What say I toss a beer through the shutters, yeah?

You've earned it.

This Is How I Nest.

Mama, please stop being a Nut.

Just shy of six weeks until this kiddo makes his or her Monkey debut. Sounds like a ton of time, right? Sure, if you're a sane being.

Which- in all fairness- I must not have been to get pregnant so soon after my daughter's first birthday knowing full well that the end of this pregnancy would align with multiple heat waves. But that's nothin' compared to my recent jaunts from reality.

Last night, right before said daughter's bedtime, I implored my tolerant Peej to bring some gender-neutral newborn clothes out from the storage area over the stairs. While he was there, I inquired about the bassinet. (IT NEEDS TO AIR OUT, PEOPLE.) Also, the BundleMes and winter blankets. Because- sure- it may be really warm now...but what the heck will I do when the cold snap hits and I've got abdominal stitches? (Who's laughing now? Probably...all of you.)

And then once the clothing was safely accessible down in our laundry room, I gently requested that he move the tall dresser from the new baby's room up to Nora's room. And maybe- just maybe- he could move her dresser to the nursery?

There is logic to this, I swear. The new dresser is way bigger, and Nora has a killer [hand me down and gifted] wardrobe that cannot be confined to a regular ol' dresser. Besides, her closet is rather eh in terms of space...whereas the baby's room features a tricked-out closet into which we could place an easy chair. If we were so inclined. Probably wouldn't shock anyone at this point. (Least of all my husband.)

I would have left me years ago.

The level of cleaning going on in this house would lead one to believe that a visiting dignitary will be boarding with us this Fall- and not a squinty baby who will (if I'm lucky) be able to barely make out my features.

And I've been cooking with a vendetta. Last night I made my Tomato Thief of a daughter some garden Roma tomato gazpacho with sweet peppers...so that she'll always remember how much I loved her. Same with P.J.'s daily sandwiches (with included "love" note, thankyouverymuch- okay, sometimes they're just random observations, but I try to create them on something resembling a heart).

I'm not entirely sure where it is I think I'm going, but I've made sure that my family is well fed.

My photo albums are almost up to date. Because can you imagine the horror if I gave birth and no one at my house could easily locate the pictures from Thanksgiving '08? CAN YOU?

And just yesterday the fabulous Peej gave me a gift to actually help the nesting along- a Groupon for a closet makeover. That's right, the haphazard jobbie that I threw together whilst nesting for Nora can finally be put to rights; the plank of wood that I staple-gunned to the ceiling for a shelf, the one foot hanging bar propped up by a bookshelf and a dresser, the shoe rack nailed into the wall...it'll almost be like it never happened.

I am stupidly excited about this.

Because sometimes- to truly nest- you've gotta call in the pros.

It is STILL summer, goshdarnit!

And Now...We Sleep.

There is so much. There is always so much. Will you remind me of this in the dark days of early Chicago March when I want to chew my own face off with stir-craziness/no one returns my phone calls? (I had never previously believed those two items to be related. I now see the error of my ways.)

The last handful of days can be broken down into three very specific events:

We're not leaving, are we?

End O' The Cape (For Me, For Now).
It was hard to leave the mammoth vacation "cottage," the pre-made coffee (and brekkie) in the kitchen, the eighty extra sets of hands to tend to Nora/unwedge me from clearly too-low beach chairs, and all the nightly games- even if there were multiple cheaters. (Cheaters!)

It was extra super-duper hard to leave the beach where I played as a kid. Especially since the water was so warm and the waves were so gentle and and and...

Nora felt much the same. She thoroughly enjoyed what she termed "potato chip" waves. Meaning they were salty. Meaning she digs salt. Shocking.

I feel secure, however, in the knowledge that P.J. knows exactly what type of property (and things to fill said property) he needs to procure within the next- oh, five years to make me completely happy. I'm not pushy. I can wait.

Then, since Schoenys do not believe in dead air, that brings us to:

The Yard Sale To End All Yard Sales (Please).

This was Nora's way of helping.

In which, despite crazy planning (on my part) and crazy manpower (on Kate and P.J.'s), we made a WHOPPING TEN DOLLARS. But Keely- you ask- wasn't the fee to participate in the neighborhood yard sale that exact same amount? T'was. I suppose the ten dollars went towards the three red balloons that popped in the sun (an hour into the sale- AUSPICIOUS) and bus fare to keep people out of our 'hood. That's only a guess. I even Craigslisted the sale, but somehow even the mention of all of our interior doors for sale didn't entice. (Whatever, yard sale losers- they are awesome doors.) And even the rock bottom price of ten cents for any single thing (or a bag full) didn't draw the crowds. For there were no crowds. None. We had a few folks walk by and scoff at our perfectly nice items that we really didn't want. I almost yelled at someone that I was sorry I couldn't offer him money to take my things. But I didn't. That would be bad for business. I'm just kidding- there was no business.

Guess what, Salvation Army? Happy birthday. Enjoy your espresso grinder and bag of shoes.

Bringing us to...

Tomato thief.

Lyle Lovett Plays At Ravinia For Keely.
We had missed the show for the past two years- the first being when I was pregnant with Nora and had inexplicably passed out in slumber on the kitchen floor an hour before we were supposed to leave, and last year when he played at the Morton Arboretum. And besides ticket and parking prices, we were expected to buy a day pass to the Arboretum. And drive for like eleventy billion years. Nosankyou.

But this year, flush with our yard sale pennies, we took Nora and enough food and activities to start a camp for hungry toddlers with attention disorders.

On the way we got to say an all-too-brief hello to Molly n' Lucas n' Peyton, a lovely fam for whom I used to nanny. (I started with Luke when he was two weeks old and now he's starting second grade, making me... about twenty three years old. Yes.)

And there are few things as lovely as sitting with one's fam on a cool summer night, surrounded by lilting music and too much food, snuggling with a crazy tomato-fiend of a toddler and a really cute husband pretending to pretend to sleep for the benefit of said daughter (but sneaking in an actual muffled snore here and there). And when you add in the visual of that toddler feeding herself cookies off of the nose of a Beanie Bear (and then tucking herself into bed under the low picnic table) and later dancing with one's husband (complete with toddler in backpack) to the final encore under a starry sky...well, that adds up to one pretty decent life you've got goin'.

Even if no one wants my darned Kenneth Cole messenger bag.

Just Beachy.

I am still on vacation. And it is great. Despite monsoon-like rainstorms for the first two days and near frozen bedroom conditions (due to a super eager a/c system and more than one family member with a predilection towards extreme body temps), we've had a stellar time. And so have my Mom and Dad and sister and her husband and their three kids and my sister and her boyfriend and her friend and my sister and her friend (and various day trips) and my mother-in-law and my husband's cousin and her daughter and my Dad's brother and his son and my sister's godfather and some family friends and some other family friends and lots n' lots n' lots of food.

But since I care about everyone, I won't make you all wait to hear about my most embarrassing of moments until after I've returned home to Chicago. Oh no, I will list two of them here.

Twice today I've had to be bodily helped out of my beach chair. This is because, in order to soak up as much of the elusive sun as is humanly possible, I've repeatedly positioned my chair (in the waves) towards the actual sun. For much of the day, this meant I was facing backwards, leaning into the actual, sloping sea. And wet sand- as it is wont to do- grabs ahold of flimsy beach chairs and sucks them downwards. And backwards. Couple that with very little abdominal strength (and a center of balance that is questionable at best) and you've got the makings for some pretty decent slapstick.

That visual not enough for you? How about me, curled in a fetal position, atop an inner tube and under a [baby's] beach umbrella, (with a towel rolled up to support my belly on the sand), sleeping with an open mouth and burning tops of toes? Throw in my red gingham maternity suit and I am a CAUTIONARY TALE to promiscuous teens everywhere. Or, more specifically, on the beach of Gray Gables.

And on that note- some pictures.

Seafood and faux hawks.

Safety first. Always stay close to shore.

That's right.

Sure, I'll try a Newton.

Come ON, Nora.

Vacation Is For...

Sleepin'. And Beachin'.

Schoenies Go East

On vacay. Back soon. Havin' a great time. No, really.

Love, The Guy Getting Up With The Toddler Each A.M., The Bitsy Who Is Not Sure About Those "Tides," and The Gal Who Leaves No Food On Trays.

Mold N' Neuroses N' Manipulation

Everyone's feeling the crazy.

Motherhood has made me a new kind of crazy. (And- before- I used to think that my neuroses knew no bounds.) Which just goes to prove my extremely new theory that having a kid makes you MORE of what you were before. And that's not even one of those lovey, sentimental sampler stitchings- I was nuts before, but my insanity has been amplified since having Nora. I was kind of a clean freak before...now I'm a downright germaphobe. (But really, you'd never even guess at that by the state of my kitchen.) Same goes for being a defensive driver, kiddo movie fan, and tired.

But I digress.

My newfound nutsiosity has manifested itself in my upcoming trip to Cape Cod with N.J. and P.J. For which I've been packed since last night. We leave on Saturday. Okay, and to be fair, I'm not totally packed. My two iPhone checklists (yup) for Nora's stuff and my stuff is mostly done. There's a bunch of stuff that I can't pack until about ten minutes before we leave/right after she wakes up. And there's a checklist for that, too. I also have a list for last minute things like "water the plants," "make sure no cat is locked in the bathroom," etc. (P.J. is on his own for packing and lists. But, from what I've seen, he does just fine half an hour before by throwing some shoes, a shirt, and someone's toothbrush in a duffel. Boys.)

And the reason for all of this planning and pre-planning and post-planning is not so that I'll have a Martha Stewart-like calm about my house (btw, did you know that Martha turned 70 a week ago? Does that seem crazy? It does to me. And I should know). Oh no, the reason that I do things so early- and so written out- is because I can no longer keep a list of thoughts in my head. There are so few things that I truly need to bring for our trip (Doc Bullfrog, various medications, four pairs of shoes) but if I didn't write them down I'd be on the plane wondering why I had a carry-on full of dirty laundry and was panicking about the cat stuck in the hall closet.

And boy, I write down the weirdest stuff on my phone. (And here as well, but again...that's a digression.) You'd think I could remember that my child needs shoes on her feet for travel, but there it is. "Crocs on Nora." I'm shocked that I haven't yet felt the need to note "buckle Nora into car," but there's a few things I can feel decently confident about. Besides, Peej will be there.

It's not totally my fault, however. We have yet another contractor who began work this week. And having part of one's home gutted and mold-remediated and rebuilt can jar one's concentration. Especially if you're as giddy about it as I am.

This is the room that was initially a second kitchen when the home was a stately multi-family house. Then it  became a flophouse for wayward animals/drunk dudes/pizza menus. Then, once we moved in, it became storage. First ours, then for P.J.'s best friend. Once he moved his things out, it became a lumber yard for doors, shelving, and baseboards. (But never was it a kitchen. We paid someone to remove the defunct and foul appliances- and gave them extra to never again mention the things that they had seen.) And one day, during a long nap for Nora and a long audition for P.J., I cleared out the room. Doors were stacked in the backyard, lumber was slid out the picture window, I scrubbed down the place as best I could, and painted it a light spring green. (P.J. was shocked. I told him to put away his "toys" or I'd do it for him. Via the recycling trucks. He did.) And when I was done...it was still filthy. Because there was still water damage behind the sink and hints of mold and a general dinginess to the area.

But thankfully, we are having another kid. And this kind of thing makes P.J. wonderfully receptive to ideas, especially if I mention Nora's propensity for climbing in that room (which she doesn't have) and my plans to leave the newborn there for hours on end (which could be a bluff. But might not).

And these contractors are great. Remember the multitude of guys we've had working on the house for the past two years? The ones who show up at 11? Leave at 1 for a two hour lunch break? The ones who fail to secure parts or give us accurate quotes or show up at all? THESE NEW GUYS ARE NOT LIKE THEM. Yesterday was the day to gut the room. They showed up at 7:45am, stayed until 6:15pm and never left. The room is gutted and stripped and now the air is being filtered for 24 hours. And these dudes are pleasant. To me! No "little lady" condescension, no asking what my husband might think, no ignoring...they even remembered Nora's name and that we had two cats (stuck somewhere in the house). Pretty superb.

So yes, packing. Made slightly more difficult by the fact that the laundry room (and the playroom and lower stairwell and side door) and inaccessible due to plastic sheeting, like that part of E.T. or that particularly horrific episode of 24. Which means that I cannot do laundry. OH WELL.

Maybe I'll plastic off the kitchen sink and fridge this afternoon and tell P.J. that the contractors are doing something. Maybe we'll spring for pizza.

But I think he's on to me.

Just as motherhood has made me crazier, fatherhood has made him savvier.

Unless it comes to packing.