An open letter to the stupidhead who stole my bike:
Dear Sir or Madam,
You seem to have mistaken my lime green bike for something that you should have. This is not the case. I would like it back. Maybe you could bring it back to the place where you found it? Allow me to jog your memory...you know, the place where I pay rent and you do not?
Did you not see the 1981 City of Greenfield, WI sticker on the bar? How about the streamers on the handle? Those are not additions to a bike that is not loved. On the contrary, that bike is very, very loved. It even has a name. Do you know its name?
Back to the streamers. Those waving red, white and blue ribbons signify something very important. More than the USA, it symbolizes a bike parade that my bicycle was IN! Were you in Oconomowoc, WI two summers ago to see the triumphant parade of, sure, mostly children but also a select few adults who happened to LOVE THEIR BIKES? We got up early to decorate. I want those two hours of my life back, you unpatriotic stealer.
I bet you've noticed by now that the back tire rolls pretty smoothly and the right gear shifts like a charm. This was not always the case. One short month ago I had it tuned up for my- not your- ease of riding. That's right, I spent 60 bucks to tune up a 5 dollar wonder. (And she flew, oh, how she flew. I was one yard sale away from getting her a basket, now you've robbed me of that as well.)
And one more thing. Clearly you are a moron. You remember early this morning when you stole my bike? Remember the bike NEXT to my bike? Yeah, that was a mountain bike. Mine, not so much. Good choice.
May she feel uncomfortable on your bottom and ultimately give you a hemorrhoid.
Hatefully and sorrowfully,
Me. (The owner of the bike.)
I feel better. I'd like to share a lighter moment now, if I may. My sister and her husband decided to include me in a third party call...since my voice mail picked up, I was able to jot it down and share the wealth. Here is the actual transcribed call:
Kate- Hi Keel it's me...Tom just tried to call you and he's on the line now as well-
Tom- Hi Keel!
Kate- And the reason we called is because he told me something and my only response was that we have to call Keel and tell her.
Tom- I just got off a call with a company that does bovine husbandry. (Kate laughs) It was fascinating. And I'm really glad it wasn't in person because I could barely hold it together on the phone, much less in person... I don't think I'd be able to hold it together.
Kate- And...the person you were talking to...
Tom- He was Chinese but had an Australian accent and he stuttered a lot. (Kate loses it and snorts.) So he was, you know, talking about sires ejaculating one and a half times a week and the prcoess that they get them to do so-
Kate- That's not true!
Tom- Yeah.
Kate- Are you kidding me? He did not say that.
Tom- Yeah.
Kate- You don't get paid enough.
Tom- He said it's not just like 'wanking them off.'
Kate- That's not what he said!
Tom- Yeah, they have something I think called a teaser cow? The sire thinks it's a cow and they get the bull to mount it and then they collect the...
Kate (loudly)- No way!!!
Tom- Yeah. (pauses) Yeah. Yeah.
Kate- Are you kidding me? You're not really working, just calling numbers you find.
Tom- Anyway, we love you Keel, talk to you later...
Kate- Love you, bye....
(pause)
Tom- Are you still there?
Kate- I think Keel's still there.
Tom- I'm gonna try again to hang up and...
[Click. End scene.]
That could explain so, so much about my humor, the type of humor people CAN'T WAIT to share with me and, most importantly, how close my family is. I'll leave you with these pivotal fashion tips I recently picked up in separate autumn style mags.
From my FAVORITE lists of in/out fashion:
IN: Skyscraper heels. OUT: Dowdy pumps. (When were dowdy pumps "in?")
IN: Neutral stripes. OUT: Paint splatters. (Huh? You're telling me that there was a very recent time in which 'circus chic' was pressed upon the masses?)
And my utter favorite quote from an interview with three major fashion designers: "I think "pants" is a word that we'll be seeing a lot of this fall."
You heard it here first, folks. Go get yourself some "pants" for fall.
(And keep an eye out for a beloved bike that answers to the name of "Limey.")
7 comments:
Sorry about your bike, Keely. Right after we steal the new HHGG manuscript, we'll hunt down the shameless ruffian who absconded with your loveable Limey. Then we'll steal HIS bike! ... And maybe rough up his family a little.
Your open letter was very amusing, while at the same time inciting me to violence. Now that's what I call balanced writing.
Why doesn't Tom ever call me about bovine husbandry? It must be because he's ashamed of my horrible fantasy football luck.
I am thinking negative thoughts about the stoopid, ignorant bike stealer. If it is a guy, I hope his not so big "private part" gets caught in the bike chain.. while he is fixing it.. and if it is a woman, I hope the seat goes up where it will hurt. There I said it!!
Don't be messing with my babies stuff.
What a maroon. What's is a maroon, you might ask? A person who does not have any mar bles. (An old Shitton joke. )
I'm so sorry about your bike!!! :(
Damn this bike thief! Maybe Limey will rebel and throw the bastard, then rear up in the air, shaking out his streamers and neighing to the sky, then gallop back to you a la The Incredible Journey. Here's hoping.
re: Animal Husbandry phone call: Yes.
You call the cops and file a report?
All my free time got stolen by this play. Can I just call Nat and file a report?
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