All is true.

Why, Amit, WHY?

[Note: As I sit here in the drafty front room of my chilly abode in the downright frozen town of Chicago...I am having a really hard time keeping my chenille blanket about my shoulders as I type. That's right- I CLEARLY NEED A SNUGGIE AS I AM COLD YET ACTIVE. 

Note note: I did not get paid for this post. (Nor for the mentions of Snuggies or any other product herein.) This is not a review. It is a love song from my heart to a business' ears.

Thank you.]

And now, An Open Letter To Amazon.com.

Dear Amazon.com,

I love you.

You have changed my life, and- more importantly- my shopping habits. Before you came along, I used to actually have to go to the store. If I wanted something, I had to search for the best deals and varieties on foot. In person. Usually with a baby and diaper bag and something else really heavy in my arms. 

Your site sells everything. EVERYTHING. In a relatively short period of time, I've come to think of the word 'Amazon' as one of those wonderfully ubiquitous things like 'Google' or 'Kleenex' or 'Bandaid' or 'Jello.'

And guess what? You've recently made my instant gratification instantlier and infinitely more gratifying. Simply by guessing that since I buy diaper rash ointment vats large enough in which to backfloat, I must be a Mom.

And your new program Amazon Mom allows me to have Amazon Prime for free. For doing nothing. Nothing, that is, besides buying really awesome stuff for my kid and having it within two days. And now I get it completely free of charge, with no strings or fees or anything ever. Twenty five bucks worth of qualifying purchases for each free month of Prime? Yeah, I think I can swing that. (Especially since you guys are wonderfully loose in your definition of what a 'Mom' should buy. Proving that you are intelligent as well as convenient.)

Here's the truth: I've done 120% of my Christmas shopping on your site. I've made over thirty individual orders and had them all within 48 hours- again, with free two day shipping- and with lower prices than other sites. Trust me, I know. (I'm a Mom, remember? We know stuff.) Some of my purchases have even raced me across the country in my travels- and won.

One purchase didn't make its destination. You guys replaced it, no questions asked. My husband doesn't even give me that kind of leeway, and he likes me a LOT. 

Yesterday morning we realized that we had forgotten a present for one of our nephews- and ten minutes later it was out the door before I had managed to even shower. That's right, besides being good for our wallet, you have also ensured we are not going to be the awful relations this year. 

The other day as I was driving home with my daughter, singing Christmas carols along with the radio and feeling full of the holiday spirit, I gave thanks for you, Amazon.com. I am so serious. I actually felt such a welling-up of gratitude that it gave me a chill. Being a person who does not consider The Mall an integral part of the holiday process, I have so thoroughly enjoyed browsing and hand-selecting gifts for eleven million people (all with completely opposing tastes), sending them on their way within moments, and then being done with holiday shopping forever and ever, Amen.

This frees up more time for drinking mulled wine out of boots, crying over children's movies, and badgering my husband about my present. I think it's safe to say that we all thank you.

In closing, you are fast and powerful and I will never pay for shipping ever again. 

Exuberantly,

Keely

***

And now, to be fair and balanced, here is my sister Kate's actual transcript with Amazon.com customer service when she was trying to hook up her credit card to her rewards points. The conversation took 27 minutes and, at one point, the rep didn't respond for 8. Also, check out some of his gems. I've put my favorites in bold. Enter, Amit:

Kate: Hello. This evening I linked my AMEX membership rewards points account to my Amazon account. I see that they are linked, however, when I go to check out and pay, I am not given the option to select that credit card/points for purchase. Thanks.

Amit: Hello, my name is Amit. I will be happy to help you today. Please allow me a quick moment while I pull up your account. You do not see that option, correct?

Kate: Correct. I have three credit cards saved in my account. When I go to check out, only one of them in visible/able to be selected and it is NOT the one linked to my rewards points.

Amit: I too see that. Are you selecting a different address this time Kate?

Kate: For delivery, you mean? Yes, they are going to different addresses. If you mean something else by different address, I'm not sure what it is.

Amit: I mean place the orders with your address, let us see if we see that credit card. I can always change the address.

Kate: I'm still not understanding what you mean. Do you mean that I should try to place the order all going to my billing address? And if that works then you will change the shipping addresses for each item? I have 18 items going to different addresses, so I'm not sure that's an easy way to go ahead. Is there no way to instead get all of my credit cards to prepopulate on the payment page?

Amit: I do not have to change them individually. All are Amazon items.

Kate: Please explain to me how doing this process will affect the ability for my stored credit cards to show up on my account. It seems to me that no matter where I want to send my purchases, all of my saved credit cards should be available to me at check out. [Eight minutes later.] Amit? Are you there?

Amit: For security reasons when you enter a new address credit card should be entered in full. I am here.

Kate: I do understand that. None of these were new addresses. Yet only one credit card is available.

Amit: How can it be?

Kate: I just went back through and changed them all to my home shipping and billing address. This time, only two of the three credit cards were available, but not the one linked to my AMEX rewards. It seems as though something isn't working properly on the checkout end of things. 

Amit: If you select your own billing address as the shipping address then what is happening?

Kate: How can it be? That is why I'm chatting with you. I was hoping to get help resolving this problem. YES, precisely. If I select my own billing address as the shipping address for all 18 items, only two of the three credit cards are available. However when I go into my account and look at payment options, all three credit cards are there. When I have the items going to different shipping addresses, only one credit card is available.

Amit: I did not mean to hurt you Kate. I see three cards also.

Kate: All that I am trying to do is pay for my purchases but I need access to all of my credit cards.

Amit: Would request you to try to place the order after some time. There might be a technical issue now.

Kate: Is this something you could report then, in hopes that it could get fixed promptly? Thanks.

Amit: I will surely escalate it to my manager Kate.

After all of this, Kate filled out a survey for 'Amit' and was asked if she would like a call to resolve this issue. She said what the heck and agreed...only to find out that the call back was unavailable. Shortly thereafter she received another super secret number to call and reached a gal named Kristy. Who fixed everything, and- I'm assuming- didn't take things quite so personally.

Ah, Amit.

You're like the friend of the sixth grader I'm dancing with (I'm in sixth grade in this scenario, too) who keeps butting in and asking if we're in love yet. No, and STOP RUINING EVERYTHING. 


I still think Amazon Mom trumps The Amit Defeat (get it? Get it?)


And yeah, sure, maybe I pulled up that middle school scenario way too easily. But I think we can all agree that it caused a pretty visceral and instant recognition, yeah? Yeah?


Merry Christmas week.