Keely Works Out So You Don't Have To.

My sister Rachel gave me her Insanity workout DVDs a little while back *coughtwoyearsagocough* and I thought I'd give them a go. With commentary, of course. (If you can't blog about it, it hasn't really happened.) Some of you may remember when I was berated by my Wii Fit, and- for longtime followers- when I live-blogged Core Rhythms and came away from both with serious life questions. But yes, this is the third workout (and the first Max Interval training one) that I've documented. You guys, I'm practically an athlete.

SO. Right off the bat, the Cardio Power and Resistance disc (the one of the set that I've randomly chosen) is frightening the junk out of me. And we're only at the scrolling disclaimer. (The list of potential hazards is intimidating.) I do like that they've given me the option to play the DVD with or without music. (I'm a fan of muting DVDs and rocking out to GirlTalk whenever possible. It's not exactly family car-friendly fare, so I take what I can get.)

I'm offered the option to join the online community to compare workout results, etc. Uh, you mean hang out with people who exercise regularly? No thank you. Let's start the clock.

39:00- Jog it out. I like this. I can jog. Trainer Shaun T is getting all of his devotees to warm up behind him- and what a put-together bunch. I continue to be intimidated.

38:40- He's explaining something called power jacks. It's a combo jumping jack and deep knee bend. I hate this.

38:04- Onto the sideways log jump. It's been less than a minute. I am dying.

37:20- 1,2,3 jumps going from side to side. Ooh, choreography! Now we're "exercising." Part of me vaguely misses high school musical theatre.

37:10- Butt kicks while running in place. This seems to me like the whole "why are you punching yourself" thing. The high school nostalgia ends.

36:39- High knees. I do not care for this. This hurts. This is dumb. I'm gonna break a G-D knee.

36:27- The girl they did a closeup on has some sort of glittery writing on her waistband. Just noting that.

36:07- High jumps. No joke, my hand just hit the ceiling fan and I almost lost a finger.

35:48- The cameraman just ran across the floor with his camera and almost knocked a guy over.

35:35- The gal Shaun T is using as an example just began really jogging really professionally. Like, three seconds ago.

35:13- Power jacks. I regret my life choices. I'm sorry, did he just point to Glitter Belt Girl and say we're still just warming up?

34:37- Log jumps. Land softly? Like onto a pillow with a blankie? I'd love to land softly.

34:12- 1,2,3s again. Full disclosure: I just kicked over too hard, slid on the kids' playmat, and knocked into the pretend kitchen. It just warned me that stoves can get chaud. Turns out, our play kitchen knows French.

33:43- Butt kicks. Faster, he says. Dude being showcased does not care to be featured right now.

33:13- High knees. "Look what I'm not doing," Shaun T demonstrates with bad posture. Oh jeez, that's what I was doing.

32:45- Everyone has a wrist sweatband. But only one. Why? Is there a dominate sweaty wrist? I have no sweatbands. I do, however, have a very real possibility of drowning in my own sweat by this point. WHY WASN'T THE NECESSITY FOR SWEATBANDS IN THE DISCLAIMER!?

32:38- Oh, good. High jumps again. I'll just watch this round.

32:04- Seriously, the girl he chooses to show how to jog it out wants this. I am not Jog It Out girl.

31:42- Power jacks now. Faster, he says- but the screen is warning me to go at my own pace. I feel conflicted. Also really, really sweaty and maybe a little whiny.

31:15- Oh, wow. Log jumps again and one girl just started yelling from the back. Maybe it was me. I no longer have peripheral hearing.

30:50- 1,2,3. Yes yes. It's all about speed. Don't compromise your form. Shaun T shows which gal has perfect form- however, the girl behind Perfect Form Girl wishes she weren't on camera.

30:12- Butt kicks. "I know you're breathing," Shaun assures us. Hmm, let's not make crazy assumptions.

29:56- Shaun points at Glitter Waistband's butt to show what an engaged butt (or something) looks like. I've stopped paying attention, because now I'm uncomfortable.

29:47- High knees and, you know, Push It. My esophagus would be vomiting right now if it could feel. Dude in the back is totally with me on this one.

29:18- Vertical jumps. What is up with the one wristband, y'all?

***Water break. I just set my phone next to me and dialed "9" and "1." Hopefully I can manage the last digit when the time comes.***

28:50- A GIRL JUST WALKED TO THE EDGE OF THE COURT AND SPIT ON THE GYM FLOOR. Listen, I know we're all in dire straits here, but some poor janitor is gonna be like- Come on. Gross. Another girl angrily drank her water. Like, fiercely. I wish I were fierce. I'm pitifully drinking my water, choking it back like it's my first liquid since throat surgery.

28:35- Onto stretching. Flat back stuff. Hold, stretch, yes, this all looks great. Unfortunately, I'm viewing all of this from a prone position on the floor. Yoga triangle- I can do that! I get up to do it and twang my calf muscle so hard I may never walk again. I lie back down.

26:17- Oh, now we're balancing and shooting one leg up into the air behind us. (Factoid! As a weirdo 8 year-old, I used to do Jane Fonda's workout all the time. My favorite part of the video was when Jane warned us not to breathe in the carpet fibers.)

25:42- These people are lunging like they're not even off balance.

25:28- Stretchin' out the other side. I am cautious. I manage. I can still feel my face pulsing.

23:35- Doing a weird crotch stretch now, and all the girls are surreptitiously checking if their short shorts are covering their bizness. Not me, because, as everyone and their Wii Fit knows, I work out in a parka.

22:42- Quad stretch and balance! This was my best skill on the cross-country running team. That, and showing up for pasta suppers.

22:01- We're on all fours, now, contracting and relaxing our backs. My cats waltz in to inform me that I have terrible form.

21:49- We're given a 30 second break for water/rest/stopping our nose bleeds. And that's my cue to leave this party. That's right- there's over twenty minutes left on this workout, but I'm pulling an Irish Exit. It's okay, because feel like I have an insane body already.

It's totally twitching in the corner and talking to itself.