Did you know that Ganymede has a SEA under its SURFACE?

This is fantastic. (Fantastically gross, that is. ANNIE. DO NOT FOLLOW THIS LINK.) Kate! Thanks for sending this, and thanks as well to the Boston Globe for such a hard-hitting expose'. Or is it a human interest piece? I really have trouble differentiating. Maybe you can tell? And, oh...my favorite part? It's a tie between when the lady exclaimed "Oh my stars!" and when her mother almost fainted because she had the "willy willies." I have a feeling that if an eight foot-long snake were found in downtown Chicago the utterances would not be nearly as quaint.

Grohohossssss.

Some other tidbits from my week (I'm cutting and pasting a bit more than usual because I leave in about six hours to go to Cape Cod for a week. I should really finish packing. And maybe squeeze in a shower.): Um, Kidz Bop. Why? WHY? I truly don't understand why kids can't listen to the actual songs. Not appropriate? Well, having kids sing J-Lo's "Waiting for Tonight" does not make it more kid-friendly, no matter how many high-pitched full voiced tots wail "Ohhh!" It is a song about meeting your lover. (Oh, my stars.) And it's an actual track on one of the Kidz Bop albums. I use the term 'album' kinda loosely, as it's essentially a Now That's What I Call Music CD dubbed in kidspeak. Make the kid a mix tape, she'll thank you. (Right, Dad? Alice Cooper!!)

Hmm, what else...so many amazingly relevant things to write about in one short week! How about when P.J. was at the gym (yesterday) and was asked How It Was Goin' by a random guy in the locker room? P.J. looked up, realized the guy was speaking to him and replied "Oh. Fine." The man followed up with "Did you know that 40 percent of all prostitutes in Thailand are transvestites?" An awkward silence ensued, as you can well imagine (I HAVE to imagine, for I wasn't there either.) P.J. calmly responded "No...I didn't." Pause pause pause pause. "I enjoy travel."

And I was so thrilled today on Facebook- When I asked for info on Jupiter's moon Ganymede in my "status," four people responded with wall posts and two sent messages. I'm not completely mental, I was researching cool tidbits for a one-act play that's due in, oh, about ten minutes. I received some creepy information as well as some completely timely and writer's-block-obliterating dialogue! So, um, thank you.

We went down to Summerdance at Millennium Park after work to hear a Serbian brass band and learn how to dance like other cultures. Namely, Serbia. Turns out, it's mostly dancing in a line, holding hands and doing something tappy with your feet. Since we were in the outer ring (I don't know how that happened- I'm short and usually shoved in front) we couldn't see the instructor's feet and thusly didn't know the tappy parts. So, we bounced in place until people moved right or left, then we bounced to the right or to the left. We looked amazing- people totally wondered how we got such cultural dance moves. I told them that it comes from the heart- g-goung. G-goung. (Anyone, anyone? Not you, Kate.)

Addendum.

Okay, so I probably should have just gone to Wikipedia in the first place. I have found out what the "international" chicken sammiches were all about. You guys were right- the Italian was always there and always quite good. Also the French one- a chicken cordon bleu (which I do not recall ever having, just for the record. I'm not calling them a liar or anything, my memory may just be spotty. I was seven.) And finally, an American one. Why is the American ANYTHING always the blandest? It's a chicken sandwich with American cheese! C'mon, why not with something with barbecue sauce? Americans LOVE barbecue sauce!

Did you know there was almost a fourth "international" sandwich? It was called the Hawaiian. And it was the American. With pineapple. And it was marketed only in New Zealand. What? Where to start, where to start. No. I'm too upset. And more than a little peckish.

Speaking of international affairs (as I so often do), did you read about the koala in Australia? The one whose head got caught in the grill of a car (by an "unwitting motorist," even) and was dragged seven miles before another car flagged them down? The koala was fine! Here are my exact reactions while reading:

["Lucky" hung on during his ordeal with one arm and his trapped head, and was freed with household scissors used like a fireman's "jaws-of-life" to cut around the car's mesh grill with the horrified owner's permission] "Oh my God, Lucky! Are you okay?"

[While Lucky was in shock, he quickly recovered and was nearly better after a couple of hours rest and a feed. Lucky will stay at the hospital, set up by the late television wildlife crusader Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin] "Isn't that so wonderful! And, oh, Steve Irwin, you still do so much good...

[He'll recover from his experience and receive treatment for a chlamydial infection.] "Uh, what? He's got a what? From a car? Or was this prior to the car?"

I feel like some darned pivotal information has been kept from the public.

In local news, last night was the opening night of the Outdoor Film Festival in Grant Park. Hundreds of people watching "All About Eve" in the sweltering dusk! Medium thin-crust from Pizano's on Monroe! Illegal flask for ginger beer and vodkas! I love summer. I do not, however, love the girls who were talking LOUDLY on the train about how much they've changed since middle school. (Can you believe it's been five years? I can't believe it's been five years. It's like I'm a different person. I know! I was just thinking about how we're different people!) Maybe it was the fact that the hour was encroaching upon midnight, but I truly think that people should be banned from talking on the trains. Unless they have something really amazing to say.

Otherwise they should just blog.

Karma is a cruel mistress.

Remember, oh, a week ago? When I laughed at some poor sap getting doused by an errant sprinkler? Cosmic retaliation is a funny, funny thing.

Yesterday afternoon, Jack and I were strolling (literally, in a stroller) to my block. Ahead of us on the sidewalk was a big ol' arcing sprinkler so I waited, feeling out its flight path. Once I had it down I decided to go for it- only it rapidly changed direction and whipped back horizontally! I got soaked the first time through as I tried to push Jack's stroller off to the side. Unfortunately, his wheel got caught on the 'keep off the grass' ribbons and I tripped over his stroller trying to keep it upright and keep his shade cover down. At this point the water had already whipped back over me and all I had to show for it was a welt on my shin. I shoved the stroller back onto the sidewalk (maybe a little too hard) and to steady it I caught it on my kneecap. Dripping wet, I hobbled us to a dry portion of sidewalk, trailing fresh sod and yellow tape. I pulled back Jack's shade to check the damage. He was sitting there happily, clutching his moose "Baby" (don't ask) and three trains.

"You cool, Jack-Jack?"

"My CROCS is wet!"

So there you have it. A girl can be sopping wet, slightly embarrassed and recently kneecapped, but the two year old male in her life will mostly be concerned about the thoroughly waterproof footwear currently dangling from his toes. Which he will later kick off. In traffic. And immediately demand back.

Are you taking notes? I'd think you'd find it helpful. (Allll in the name of research, folks.)

Seriously, what are those chicken sandwiches CALLED?

Happy Monday! I'm easing back into the week with Hootie and the Blowfish. On Sesame Street. With a two year old, of course. (Of course.) Hold my hand! It's about crossing the street with an adult! It's exceptionally cute but also a little puzzling. They changed some lines to better fit the theme of, you know, crossing with an adult ("Yesterday...saw Elmo standing there...") but they made it harder for themselves, I think. The usual bridge is "Cause I've got a hand for you/and I wanna run with you" but they CHANGED it to "I am here for you/and I wanna cross with you." Was this necessary? In a song called "Hold My Hand," how better to convey the idea of hand-holding than with the line "Cause I've got a hand for you?" It practically does the work itself.

Also, we've been O'Ding on this one particular clip: just a warning, though, it's ridiculously cute. Bonus- did you notice that the baby bird is the also the voice of Robin, Kermit's nephew? Or, you know, it's the same voice actor. (I can differentiate.) Also, one of the bunnies is the voice of Bean bunny. But isn't Bean himself...this one is bunnier. More an actual bunny who happens to sing and less a major character in the Muppet's Christmas Carol.

Speaking of bunners, Kat, P.J. and I went to Benfest on Saturday and spent a good portion of our time at the petting zoo for the under-10 set. Tortoises! Lop-eared bunnies! A snake with its mouth taped shut. And other fun things. Afterwards, we sanitized our hands with lotion like good little city-dwellers. As Kat put it, in Texas it's "Well, I just stuck my hand up this animal...what's for dinner?"

Also this weekend, two concerts at Ravinia! Feist on Friday night with a bunch of friends and Lyle Lovett on Saturday with just Peej and I. Both were fantastic shows, although Friday night's had the added perk of a picnic blanket submerged in mud (and thusly, concert-goers submerged in mud.) But there was homemade sangria! (John-gria?) And Saturday I sat next to an elderly man air-drumming and punching fists in the air, so it's really a toss up as to which was the superior concert experience.

Sunday night we had to pick up a birthday cake for one of P.J.'s bosses at Sweet Mandy B's (the best place to buy me a cupcake ever EVER) and we stopped along the way at Burger King. (Maybe blogging brings out the fast food cravings, I swear we never do this.) I got an Italian chicken sandwich because Kate and I used to get them all the time as kids, back when they had three different types. Can anyone remember what they were called? They were great. Anyhow, we had our fast food in the kid's dining area of BK, watching "iCarly" on TeenNick. We felt ollllld. Plain White Tees! On a tween show! About the hilarity of updating a webcast with your little brother and best friend! Ooh, maybe I should start a webcast.

At Mandy B's we got a choco cake, plus a ranger cookie and the best lemon square ever. It was tartastic. Plus, we realized that we have a friend who now works there! (Or has for a year. Whatever.) We have a sugar hook-up!

Then, home to play the game of "What do you want to do/I'm not really feeling anything/Well, me neither but the weekend's almost over," which turned out to mean Scrabble and three episodes of Law & Order: Criminal Intent. 'Quo' in the triple word position underneath the first letter of 'style' means 38 points! And Olivia D'Abo is no longer Kevin Arnold's big sister but is in fact a psychopathic killer.

Yep.
("That's how we got here...that's how we got here...")